July 9, 2007
GODLESS CITY, NY -- Stores in New York City were packed today as the Ann Coulter Huggy Doll went on sale. The doll has been greatly anticipated, as it is rumored to offer a glimpse into Coulter's "softer side."
"Ann just really needs a hug, but don't squeeze too tightly! She just might call you a worthless piece of shit!" said a spokesman for Blasbro, Inc., the company releasing the doll.
"We were most inspired by recent comments she has made about John Edwards, specifically her call for him to be killed by terrorists," said the spokesman, "So the doll also comes with a plush belt of faux dynamite in a vibrant red velour. Oh, and guns, too. Lots of soft, cuddly guns, all in a shade of pink that lends a feminine touch."
The doll has already been disemboweled in streets of the city by liberals and conservatives alike.
"She's all warm and fuzzy on the inside," said one, as he kicked stuffing from the doll, whose remains littered the street. "It's nothing like what you see on TV," he added.
Some are even burning the doll in effigy. "After countless makeovers and dye jobs, Ann Coulter's finally hot," said one customer, who seemed eerily pleased with his purchase.
The doll itself also speaks, and it delivers classic Coulter lines, such as "Liberals are driven by Satan and lie constantly," "If I'm going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot," and everyone's favorite, "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building."
All proceeds for the sale of the doll go to the Ann Coulter Foundation, which benefits Ann Coulter.
reported in jest by John Eischeid