May 23, 2007
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Republicans and Democrats agreed to disagree yesterday, as tensions between the two parties came to head over funding the Iraq war and a timetable for troop withdrawal.
Key Republicans met with key Democrats in the presence of an unnamed counselor in attempt to salvage their dysfunctional relationship.
"We were beginning to think it was time to move on," said House Minority Leader John Boehner, "but we're working on an agreement."
"We're committed to making this work," said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi of the dysfunctional relationship, "but we just couldn't let them walk all over us like they have been."
In particular, Democrats and Republicans disagree over the $124 billion supplementary spending bill for the Iraq war. President George W. Bush has recently taken issue with the bill because it also includes a timetable for American forces to begin withdrawing from Iraq.
"It's always about what they want," said George of the relationship, "It's like they never listen to my feelings."
Some Republicans as well as Democrats said they were willing to meet only "for the sake of the voters." Others expressed their desire for a "long, lasting, happy, fulfilling government."
"There's a reasonable -- but frightened -- voter deep down inside all of us," said one traumatized voter, "Once the Democrats swept the last election, I finally stopped blaming myself for the mismanaged war, the record deficit and bias in the media."
In addition to disagreements over the Iraq war, the two parties have also begun to repair the damage done by some malicious comments made in the past and by ongoing problems in communicating.
"When you dropped the F-bomb on the Senate floor, that really hurt!" said Sen. Patrick Leahy of Vermont, referring to a tiff he had with the Vice President on the Senate floor.
"And when you accused me of war-profiterring, that really hurt!" replied Vice President Dick Chaney.
"I didn't really mean it!" said Pat.
"Aw, bro, I was just pissed off!" replied Dick.
"I love you, man!" they exclaimed in unison. No hugs were given, however.
"They use words like 'enemy' and 'win,' but they never really say who the enemy is and what they will consider victory. We've begun to explore the ways in which bad communication is damaging our relationship," said Nancy.
"They just never want us to have anything," said Dana Perino, a spokeswoman for President Bush, "And when that banner said 'Mission Accomplished,' we didn't really mean it."
"WE KNOW!" replied Democrats in unison.
"The terrorists of September 11th sought to kill any American, regardless of party. I'm glad they finally understand that," said one reasonable voter, who has been spending most of the past six years in his bedroom. "I'm happy for the soldiers and the Iraqis," he continued, "They have more at stake here than we do."
reported in jest by John Eischeid