May 23, 2007
Redmond, WA -- Numerous employees of Microsoft Corp. experienced disruptions today as their offices were attacked by Mozilla, which produces open-source, no-cost alternatives to some of the company's most popular products. The Redmond, Washington offices were evacuated in what company officials described as a "dire emergency."
"My friend said, 'Run for your lives! It's Mozilla!' and he said it like all in Japanese. And, dude, I swear I saw subtitles," said Dink Bud, a summer intern at the corporation.
Witnesses reported that the creature apparently has been angered by lengthy download times, security issues and hardware problems caused by upgrading to the new Microsoft Vista operating system.
After feasting on the administrative and development offices, the open-source beast then began to devour the company's market share and portions of its infamously secretive code. It then summoned Firefox and Thunderbird, two of its open-source brethren.
According to witnesses, the Microsoft offices attempted to battle the beasts with pop-up ads and spam, but to no avail.
"They were just too strong. Anything we threw back at them came right back at us," said one programmer.
It was then that security guards attempted to unleash Mecha-Bill, but the robot's operating system jammed on start up, witnesses said. As he attempted to reboot, he was smote by code, mostly in the form of ones and zeros, from the open source giants.
He battled the beasts heroically, but in the end, they were too much.
Little known about Mozilla. He is descended from Netscape Communicator and was born in 1998. "While Godzilla was always out smashing things and battling Mecha-Godzilla, Mozilla spent his time reading and hacking his Commodore 64," said one childhood friend of the family, "I remember, though, that he got really angry when his first PC crashed."
reported in jest by John Eischeid