April 1, 2007
HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Vince Caicone, the frontman and lead singer for the defunct metal band Sweet Reaper, has announced plans to sell the remnants of his decadent lifestyle in an upcoming online auction.
"I'm hoping to cash in on all those years of reckless hedonism and rampant drug use. I've made a large investment in vices -- namely alcohol, drugs, sports cars and women. I've got a headful of good memories, but that's about it," Caicone said in a press conference, "I am willing to sell it all to the highest bidder. I'm looking forward to a high rate of return."
The auction comes at a time when escapism is at a premium, a spokesperson for the artist says. The glamorous rock-and-roll lifestyle of groups like Poison, Twister Sister and Spinal Tap simply has not kept pace with the burgeoning hip-hop industry and its promotion of bling.
Additionally, the rock-and-roll lifestyle has been outdone and often co-opted by numerous female acts such as Christina Aguilera and Beyonce. "Men with big hair, heavy makeup and feather boas simply can't keep pace with women with big hair, heavy makeup and feather boas," said an anonymous representative of Sotheby's, the art auction house.
Vince's fame also extended into his marital life during an infamously stormly marriage with Venus Caicone, an adult film star who also fronted the all-female metal band Danger Pudding. That band's first album, Spoon Me Hard, sold over a million copies worldwide. Its success often is attributed to its suggestive cover art.
Recently, the artist allegedly has had financial troubles, the worst of which resulted in his attempts to sell his wife's wedding ring -- and later, his wife -- on eBay.
"Hey, man," said Spoony B, pimp, "If that's his game, that's his game. He's got a future in that, 'cause - you know what? That's the entreprenurial spirit right there! Right there, son, right there!" he said.
One of the potential buyers is rumored to be Lil' Crim, an upcoming rap artist. A representative for the artist stated Crim has "not ruled out the option" of purchasing Mr. Caicone's lifestyle. The representative coyly added that Crim would benefit from the glamor and worldly travel that the members of Sweet Reaper enjoyed.
Sweet Reaper's first full-length release, Pastel Hell went triple platinum in 1985. It contained the hit single "Venom From an Angel," which inspired countless middle school slow dances and numerous imitations, none of which enjoyed the success of the original. Allegedly, the song was also the catalyst that allowed Bobby DiNapoli, sixth-grader, to make it to second base with Betsy Smith, seventh-grader, in the garage of his parents' home one Wednesday afternoon.
After the band's intial success and the inspiration of countless make-out sessions and mosh pits, Sweet Reaper lost market share to Pink Steel, an up-and-coming and openly homosexual metal band. Sweet Reaper and its members faded into obscurity, only to resurface on various unsuccessful reality television shows.
reported in jest by John Eischeid