December 6, 2006
NEW YORK, NY -- Last night, former pimp and superstar rapper J Dazzle disappointed a sold-out crowd at New York City's Irving Plaza when he confessed that he was not ready to do this.
When his long-time collaborator, Li'l Crim, queried, "J Daz! You ready to DO THIS?!" the star shyly shrugged and meandered off stage as he mumbled, "Uh, uh. . . . Naw, man. . . . Not really," according to witnesses.
The lack of a performance drew jeers from the crowd, many of whom reportedly expressed their frustration by shouting obscenities and insults at the performer as he exited the stage. Some even threw jewelry, one witness claims. Many attendees are demanding returns in the amount of the price of the tickets. Others are demanding bling in lieu of the show.
Those close to the rapper stated that he had recently been distraught over lackluster record sales and sub-par groupies. His most recent album, Pass the Money, B!, a concept album about a dinner party gone hopelessly awry, sold a mere 200,000 copies. His previous full-length release, DAAAAAAAAMMMMM!, sold 10 million albums worldwide, despite numerous objections over its sexually suggestive cover art, which eventually lead to the album being banned in three countries.
"I knew we had a problem when he tried to rhyme 'MySpace' with 'existential crisis,'" said Crunk Dizzle, who produced a number of J Dazzle's hits, including "Opps! I Smacked the Booty!"
"He won't pick up the mike. He won't drink Hennessy. He even went to a gig without his bling," Li'l Crim said after the scandalous show at Irving Plaza, "I don't know what happened!"
A spokesman for the performer would not comment publicly, but a release from the artist's office states, "The music industry is one of perpetual change, and J Dazzle is coping with it to the greatest extent possible. He sends his apologies to his fans, and he is glad and thankful that he has been able to bring them such enjoyment over the years."
Reportedly, the artist is working on a third full-length release. The album is tentatively entitled Spend Your Hard-Earned Money On This CD So You Can Support My Shameless Conspicuous Consumption and I Can Tell You All About It On My Next Joint, according to sources.
J Dazzle first made a splash in the music industry with his single "Fly Honeys Rubbin' C-Notes on My Jock." The single enjoyed widespread airplay and one a Billboard Music Award for being a top ringtone. During his acceptance speech, J Dazzle thanked God for his "shameless consumerism, glorified promiscuity and decadent waste." He was then known by the moniker Dynamite J Dazzle and has never commented publicly on the change.
reported in jest by John Eischeid
