April 30, 2006
THE BUSINESS WORLD, USA - On Thursday morning, offices across the county reported waves of disorganization, sub-par iced coffees and "little too much attitude" from interns, the lowest in the office hierarchy.
"I don't know what happened. People just stopped receiving faxes, the files were totally disorganized and the phone just kept ringing," said Ed Zecutive of Corporation, Inc.
Some supervisors attempted to terminate the hourly-wage employees, only to find their computers inoperable and their files rearranged or simply missing.
With businesses sufficiently disrupted and their bosses vulnerable, Interns seized control of the business world at approximately 1:02 p.m. EDT.
"We only want respect!" said one nameless Intern, who had helped to seize control of Seedlens Consulting. According to eyewitness reports, the unidentified Intern and his allies brandished black ski masks and were holding executives hostage by promising the premature selling of their stock options and full benefits for all wage employees.
As of this writing, employees at Seedlens were still being held.
Other Interns struck to the core of some businesses.
"I don't recall seeing Linux on his resume," said C. Doss Runn of his intern, Linus Xiun. Doss's online tax return business, GimmieMyMoney.com, was nearly shut down when its server unexpectedly quit. Doss claims that Interns then held hostage the financial information for thousands of clients. Doss was released only after promising Xiun and all other Interns full-time positions upon graduation, new laptops, and new iPods.
As of this writing, there are still reports of business disruptions due to unruly Interns. Some firms have no phone service, only a recording of Fall Out Boy’s hit album From Under Cork Tree, playing on repeat. According to reports, the trading floor of the New Stock Exchange is overrun with a mosh pit of black-clad youth, all chanting “Buy, buy! Sell, sell! Oy! Oy! Oy!”
Some Interns have already begun to abuse their new-found power. After losing his business in a game of quarters, one obviously intoxicated Intern urinated on the conference room table, mumbled a profanity and left the building. He was known only by the simple moniker “Hank.” Reportedly, he was later at Rudy’s with an administrative assistant who had been given the day off for her “totally awesome glitter shoes,” in the words of one Intern. The two were seen leaving together at approximately 1:00 a.m.
While concerned, authorities are pleased that there has been no violence. “To date, the only threats have been metaphorical in nature, and the disruptions have bordered on the fantastical,” said New York City Police Commissioner, Ray Kelly.
However, the peace may be only temporary. "I don't see why it had to be bloodless," said Mitul Patel, the sole intern at Serling Rooks & Ferrara, LLP, of the coup d’etat.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MITUL!
reported in jest by John Eischeid