April 17, 2006
New York, NY - Doctors are expressing concern over a new illness sweeping the nation. McPhever, named for the contestant Katharine McPhee on American Idol, is turning up in hospitals across the nation.
Symptoms include hot flashes, chills, heart palpitations, singing along and tuning into the twice-a-week show regularly.
“She’s so talented. And hot! I’m burnin’ up!” said one patient, recently admitted to New York Presbyterian hospital.
McPhever first surfaced about a month ago, when the contestant on America's most popular television show wowed audiences with her rendition of Ella Fitzgerald's "Come Rain or Come Shine." "The incidence of symptoms has abated recently, but this week's performance is cause for concern," said Michael C. Hammer, M.D.
"With over 30 million weekly viewers across the nation and the competition heating up, we could be facing an epidemic of McPhever," he added.
Known panaceas include cocktails, mobile phones and takeout, most of which appear to offer distractions during the patients' viewing experience, doctors say. "In particular, the cell phones really help. Voting clearly quells the McPhever," said Hammer.
The Center for Disease control said in a public statement that the agency is preparing for the worst by maintaining reserves of vodka, anytime minutes and menus.
Doctors also reported a milder form of the fever, in which sufferers are merely distracted from their daily activities as they ponder the contestant's fate on the show.
Even if McPever passes, one doctor claims, there is another eventuality. "I am afraid that this might be the calm before the storm," said Karen Ogilve, M.D. "If she gets voted off anytime soon, we might see waves of denial, followed by depression and then finally acceptance that a white dude with gray hair really does have soul."
“I’ll watch over you, Katharine!” said one patient of her recent performance of the song "Someone To Watch Over Me."
"Um, that's a little creepy," added an attending nurse, "Let's not take this too far."
Reported in jest by John Eischeid