March 17, 2006
New York, NY -- Packing Meat, Inc. unveiled a new bologna today. The new bologna’s middle name is “Danger,” John Sehlmo, the company’s Communications Director, said yesterday in a press conference announcing the new product.
The new bologna is tougher, leaner and meaner than the leading brand that only has a first name and a second name, said Sehlmo.
“At a time when healthy eating habits are on the rise, our new product has less fat and more protein than its competitors,” says Sehlmo. “I’m confident that this new bologna will give the competition a run for its money. We expect to see the other brands flying off the shelves and into the isle. And I mean that. Hasta la vista, Oscar.”
School officials, however, have voiced concern. “We have a strict policy against school violence,” said Westland County High School principal, Samuel Danigh, “We certainly hope that students note that fighting and simply inciting violence can result in suspension, and we’re not afraid to extend that policy to their lunches.”
“We sincerely hope that schoolyard bullies will take note. Don’t mess with a kid if his bologna’s middle name is ‘Danger.’ We do not condone school violence, but bullies should keep in mind that they might get more than they bargained for,” Sehlmo said.
Reported in jest by John Eischeid